


Thorny Business

by quiet__tiger



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Drama, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-29 06:59:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10848840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quiet__tiger/pseuds/quiet__tiger
Summary: Poison Ivy and Harley make a great team, but Ivy can't get Harley to agree to "No Boys Allowed."





	Thorny Business

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: "Sugar and Spice."
> 
> Originally posted to Livejournal 30th-Mar-2011.

“Arkham is absolute bedlam today as—Wait, really? Isn’t that a little—What do you mean I’m on the air? Damn it. Arkham is absolute bedlam as a rash of poison ivy has spread—Really? ‘A rash of poison ivy’? Who wrote this? All right, I’m live—Um. There’s an investigation mounting as to how all of the linens and laundry seem to have been covered in poison ivy oil, though obviously initial signs seem to point toward Pamela Isley, villain moniker Poison Ivy, as being the culprit. Isley and Harleen Quinzel, moniker Harley Quinn, both disappeared--”

“Turn that off, Harley. I want to savor the quiet.”

Looking over at Ivy with sad eyes, Harley asked, “But I want to see what they say about you. About us.”

“This reporter is a hack. Very unprofessional.” Ivy also suspected that Harley really wanted to see if they said anything about the Joker, and she didn’t want to watch her friend get all moony-eyed and disgusting. Not over that perverted masochistic green-haired caveman.

“I think she’s just frustrated that she’s working the overnight and knows no one is watching.”

“You’d think this is the one city where it’s prudent to keep up on all the live news, especially that which happens at night.” Always at night, where the cold light of the moon did nothing for her or her babies, but it was so much harder for the authorities and Batman to find her at night when she could slink among the shadows.

Escapes from Arkham always happened at night, too, and she always came home—one safe house or another—to her dear plants needing her. She had to care for them knowing she wouldn’t see them in precious sunlight for several more hours.

“Maybe, baby.” Harley did change the channel then, and found a claymation cartoon that held her attention for more than fifteen seconds. Ivy watched as Harley’s mouth slowly spread into a grin. “Sure was a fun night last night, wasn’t it? I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get your oil into the laundry room, but Mistah J had shown me the access vents one time, and it wasn’t so bad. And now we know it worked! One last way to stick it to those Arkham jerks!”

“Sticking it to the man, you and me, Harley. They’ll remember who made everyone itch, that it was the two of us who got under their skin.” Ivy smiled, and pretended she didn’t see the dip in Harley’s smile as she no doubt thought about the Joker. That vermin was not welcome in Ivy’s escape plan; he could rot behind bars for all she cared.

“You and me. Girl power!”

Girl power indeed.

~*~

Ivy was woken by a loud, angry, pained hiss from near the front door. She was quite annoyed, but the intrusion was not unexpected.

Granted usually the Joker took longer to track down Harley, but no doubt her escape with Ivy infuriated him. He viewed her as a threat.

Just as she thought, the Joker was trapped by the thorny vines she’d set up by the door. He was bleeding from his shins and forearms, where the thorns dug deep into his flesh as the vines pressed him against the door. His Arkham uniform was surprisingly red; Ivy hadn’t been sure he was human enough to bleed red. The vines continued to wrap slowly around him, legs and arms and torso, and soon his abdomen would be punctured as well.

Unless she put a stop to it.

She watched him suffer for another full minute as he glared, so angry he couldn’t form words.

“What do you want, Joker?”

He snarled, “What’s _mine_.”

“I assume you’re referring to Harley, but she belongs to no one. She’s not a sandwich or a kitten.”

“Yet she’s delicious and satisfying.”

“How would you know? You throw her away whenever you get the chance. I have spent far too many nights with her crying into a bowl of ice cream, or listening to her wailing echoing off the cold Arkham walls. You are _poison_ to her. You’ve rotted her brain.”

The soulless eyes narrowed at her. “If I hadn’t wormed my way into her cute gray matter, she’d be the one giving you pills and asking all your deep dark secrets. She’d never be _interested_ in _you_.”

“You leave here and never come back. Promise me that and maybe I’ll let you live.”

“What’ll you do, give me poison sumac?”

Ivy stared at the Joker, not sure if he was kidding, brushing her off, or if he was really that stupid. “Do you know how many poisons are derived from plants? Do you know how many would kill you and I wouldn’t even so much as get a runny nose? Curare, hemlock… Or I may just leave you with Audrey 3. I was going to visit her tomorrow.”

“Ppfftt. You don’t scare me. And should you do anything to me, Harley will never forgive you. I’m her world.”

“And your weight is crushing her.”

“She’s fine. Perky and blonde and _mine_.”

“So you can discard her when she isn’t being useful.”

“It’s not my fault she’s un-useful most of the time. For a doctor, she’s considerably dense. She’s gotten in the way more than she’s been helpful.”

“Then why do you even want her? Why keep her around?”

Joker tried to gesture dramatically, but the thorns only dug more deeply into his white flesh. “I can’t do my _own_ laundry! And she burns food less often than I do. She’s also quite good at buying things at the store. Even if she can’t find what I need at one place, she’ll go to another. Once she was gone for two days trying to get me a part for my modified bubble bazooka. …those were nice days.”

There was a sniffling sound from behind Ivy, and she turned to see Harley standing there with tears dripping down her cheeks. “Is that all I am, Mistah J? Your errand girl?”

“Err, Harley! There you are! I’ve been looking all over for you! I need your help preparing for my next attack against Gotham.”

“What are you going to have her do, Joker, provide a distraction so you can escape?”

“I’d never--”

“You _always_ , Puddin’! You did it two weeks ago! That’s how I was in Arkham before you were!”

Joker frowned; obviously his little planned “rescue” of Harley wasn’t going according to script. Ivy offered again, “I’ll let you go if you leave us alone. Let Harley make her own decisions. Harley, do you want to stay here with me, or go with the Joker?”

Harley looked back and forth between them, blue eyes large and wet and sad.

Coaxing gently, Ivy reminded her, “Girl power, right? We don’t need men, and we especially don’t need him.”

Still undecided, Harley mumbled, “But _I_ kinda do.”

“Good girl, Harley! Now come get these vines off of me and then we can go work on my plan.”

Seeing an opening, Ivy asked, “Your plan? It’s not both of yours?”

“Well of course it is. I just meant--”

“Do you even see Harley in your future should you succeed? If you take over Gotham, or whatever it is your acid-riddled brain is planning, is Harley by your side?”

Confused by the question, Joker muttered, “I’m not clairvoyant, no matter how often I play one on TV.”

“See, Harley? He’s using you. When he’s done he’ll throw you aside. He’s scum. Lower than scum. Scum scrapes him off its shoes.”

Harley again looked between her friend and her sociopath. “Red, I know what you’re tryin’ to say, but I know he’s just kidding. Of course I’m there ruling Gotham with him. I have it all planned out! Red throne, a flock of hyenas, Batjerk waiting on us hand and foot while we use Robin as a stepstool. It’s awesome!” Blue eyes beseeching, Harley asked, “Can you let him go now? He’s hurt.”

A part of Ivy crumbled; her friend was so very stupid. But she couldn’t bring herself to keep her against her will. If she wanted to go get herself hurt, either by the cops or Batman or her Puddin’, then Ivy would be there to pick up the pieces afterwards.

Like she always was.

“Fine. If you insist on leaving with him, then I will let him free and you two can run off into the moonrise together. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“Thanks, Red!”

Ivy did as promised, and had her vines release the Joker. He was starting to drip on the floor, anyway. The vines’ toxin would continue to do damage for a while, too; Joker wouldn’t be feeling very well for a few days.

It was the least he deserved for being the manipulative, heartless, sociopathic creep that he was. The only thing going for him was that Harley was still alive.

But he wouldn’t have the last word; Ivy would visit Harley soon enough, and keep trying to pry her away from the lunatic. The girl’s own psychosis was just so incredibly strong…

In a voice just dripping with insincerity, Joker gushed, “Thank you, Harley, for helping me. She would have kept me there all night. I don’t understand how you two even get along, what with you being sugar and spice and all things nice, and her being wicked and mean and all things… green.”

“You’re silly, Mistah J! She may be green, but she’s a queen!”

“Queen of the damned, maybe.” Joker shot a venomous glare at Ivy, and she refused to acknowledge it with any reaction.

She’d get him back for stealing Harley away only to hurt her again and again.

Poison ivy oil wasn’t the only weapon she had up her sleeve.

She just had to bide her time, and she and Harley would get back at him together.

He’d see. At least until he was blinded.

At that thought she did smile, and couldn’t help but broaden her grin as the Joker watched her warily.


End file.
